The Next Big Struggle
by foreverlovingmonchele
Summary: Eight months after losing her on again off again boyfriend Finn Hudson, Rachel Berry is diagnosed with Leukemia and the one person who has been with her through her grief. Noah Puckerman, her friend and the only person she wants there through her next big battle.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Mentions of cancer and character death. This story is set in Season Five of Glee eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her own outside of her grief._

**Chapter One – Doctors and Bruises**

For Rachel Berry there was a lot that was to be said about days that she wasn't feeling her best, being run down and tired wasn't something the petite brunette was used to. It was a dreary, rainy, New York morning and Kurt and Santana had already left their Bushwick loft to go to work and school yet Rachel barely had the energy to get out of bed. It seemed as though she had little to no energy and she had to actually force herself to get out of bed. That was the first sign that something was wrong, the second was the deep black and yellow bruises that she spotted on her right hip and along her spine when she finally went to go and have a shower.

Rachel Berry _never_ bruised, she just didn't. She hadn't taken a fall that could possibly be the cause of the bruises on her body and couldn't remember a time where she had done anything that could cause them at all. She wasn't sure why she was worrying but there was a dark cloud looming over head and a bad feeling in the depths of her stomach that were leaving her with a worried feeling. Calling her fathers back in Lima, Ohio she got their opinions on the situation. Both of them told her to go and see a doctor and by four o'clock that afternoon she was sitting in a doctors office nervously tapping her foot and yawning every now and then.

She was exhausted but fifteen minutes later when her name was called she walked down the bright white halls and into the office of her new GP. His wooden desk was the only thing between them and she could hear her heart beating in her ears as the nerves set in.

"So Miss Berry what seems to be the problem?" He asked with his fingers poised and ready to start typing up her answers and to write a prescription for her. When he didn't receive an answer he looked up at Rachel only to see her showing him her hip and her back that were home to bruises that had taken purchase on her body. "I haven't fallen recently and I don't recall any incident where I could have possibly bruised my hip or back." She said softly. As the doctor checked her over a small shiver ran down her spine and her mind went back to her roommates and wondering what they were doing as she tried to take her mind off of the doctor pressing down on her bruises. When he hit a particularly sensitive spot she jumped a little and bit her lip.

"I'm going to send you to get some blood drawn and I'll call you with the results. They'll be fast tracked and I should have them by tomorrow morning if not then it should be at least lunch time. For now just go home, get some rest and try not to worry." He explained and with that Rachel just nodded and got up. Leaving the office of her doctor she headed out to one of the nurses who drew three vials of blood. By the time she was done Rachel's head began to spin a little and she was promptly handed a glass of orange juice and told to stay until she didn't feel so woozy.

With worrying thoughts fluttering through her mind she made the journey back home in the back of a cab, too exhausted to walk or take any other form of transport. Walking tiredly up the stairs she forced a smile when she saw that her roommates were home and working on making dinner for them all. "I'm just going to head straight to bed guys but I'll see you both tomorrow morning." She said softly, heading off to her room she read through a piece of paper that she had been given and frowned. She didn't really understand the terms that were written down and decided to google them. It was during her google search that she realised that what they were testing for was cancer, what kind she wasn't sure but it was cancer markers and blood cell counts and other things that came up that immediately had the small diva worrying. Could it be true? Could she really be sick with something that could potentially end her life so suddenly?

She was already struggling with the loss of the love of her life, Finn Hudson. He had been gone for eight months now and there was still many days where she felt like a part of her had died with him, days where she simply could not get out of bed because of the crippling emotional pain that she was in. There was only one other person who understood how she felt and that was Noah Puckerman. While he was off doing his Air Force training out at New Jersey the pair would often talk and write to each other. Noah was Finn's best friend, they had grown up together and losing him had been like losing a piece of himself and that was part of how he understood the depth of Rachel's pain and grief. Kurt, Santana, Brittany, Finn, Sam, Blaine, Artie, Mercedes, Tina, Mike and everyone else was involved in Finn's life had lost him too but for Rachel and Noah it felt so much harder. Of course there was Carole and Burt too and she knew that they were all hurting but the only person she spoke to about her pain was Noah.

That night as she laid in bed tossing and turning she wondered if she should tell Noah about the blood that was taken and the bruises on her body or if she should just wait until she had an actual answer before speaking up. Waiting seemed like the logical solution but she wasn't sure if she could tell Noah anything at all. How could she put him through hell like that? But how could she face it alone? But of course she was thinking too much into it. She couldn't possibly have cancer, she just couldn't. She was healthy and strong and living an amazing life even after the tragic loss of the man that she thought was going to be her husband some day.

Finally after two hours of tossing and turning she managed to fall into a restless sleep. There was so many different things weighing down on her shoulders that she wasn't sure how she had managed to fall asleep at all. Not even sleep provided a place to escape from her thoughts. Within moments they had invaded her sleep and she was trapped in a nightmare. It continued on for the entire night, dreams of doctors with grim looks on their faces, Noah not talking to her, Kurt treating her like she would break and her fathers bringing her back home. She was trapped and she couldn't escape.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Mentions of cancer and character death. This story is set in Season Five of Glee eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her own outside of her grief._

**Chapter Two – Tilted Axis**

Sixteen hours might as well have been sixteen years for Rachel, the wait was agonizing and there was no way that she could take her mind off of the possibility that she was really sick. When it was finally an appropriate time to be getting out of bed she got up, made breakfast for Kurt and Santana and sat down on the couch staring at her phone. All she needed to know was what was going on with her. Why was she so tired? Why was there inexplicable bruises on her body that she hadn't done anything to end up getting? What was going on?

As the minutes passed it seemed as though they were all lasting forever yet everything around her was a total blur. It was almost as if everything was moving in slow motion, there wasn't a thing that she could do to make it go back to normal until the waiting was over. By the time nine o'clock came around she felt like she was going to be sick from the nerves but at one past nine that morning her phone rang, it was the number of her doctors office and she immediately picked it up. What she heard wasn't what she had expected though. They had asked her to come in to discuss her results.

After hanging up she got dressed and headed back to her doctor's office. She really didn't want to hear what the doctor had to say because she knew that coming in meant something was wrong. The entire walk there she was yawning and shivering a little as the cold hit her tanned skin even though she had put a jacket on and was keeping herself warm. Entering the office the lady on reception gave her a sad look and pointed to the first door on the right. With a small nod she went down the hall and knocked once before walking in and sitting down across from her doctor similar to how she had the day before.

With a grim look on his face he passed the results over the top of the table to Rachel. _"I'm sorry Miss Berry but your blood work shows that you have a leukemic syndrome known as Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It's more common in children but adults do get it too. I sincerely wish that I had better news for you but I can refer you to one of the best oncologists in New York."_ He explained but to Rachel everything else he had said was nothing, she had lost the ability to process a thought properly the moment he told her what type of leukemia that she had. Everything else was just a confused blur as he handed her pamphlets and suggested she go in and make an appointment with the oncologist.

After everything was done at the doctors office she felt like she was about to fall to the ground, her legs felt like jelly and her hands wouldn't stop shaking. It was then that yet another symptom decided to strike her down, a nosebleed. Never in her life had she ever had a nosebleed and as she leaned against the nearest building with her head tilted she was waiting for it to pass and trying to ignore the fact that her head was throbbing and all she wanted to do was lay down and relax for the rest of the day and maybe even make a call to Noah in an attempt to distract herself.

When it had finally passed she sighed and continued her short journey to the oncologists office. In a world full of people, people who got similar diagnoses everyday she felt entirely alone. There wasn't a single person there for her when she had found out and even now she was struggling to realised that she could very well remain alone in it all. Sure her dads would be there but their entire lives were in Lima and she planned on staying in New York because there was no way that she could let her entire life shut down completely. She still had classes to attend at NYADA and she simply couldn't return to Lima and see the look of sadness in people's eyes, especially the eyes of one Carole Hudson. She just _couldn't_ do it.

Within an hour she had schedule an appointment for the next day around lunch time and from there she knew that beyond that point her life and her battle was in the hands of the oncologist that she had been referred to. She wasn't sure what the course of treatment would be but she didn't want to worry about that until the next day. For the rest of the day she wanted to go home and forget that it existed, forget that she existed and that her body had the chance of losing it's own battle. When she finally arrived back at the loft she made the phone call to Noah and sighed when she didn't get an answer.

With tears in her eyes she left a voice mail for him. "Noah, it's me, Rachel. I um.. I just.. I really _really_ need to talk to you." She said before hanging up. She was home alone, there wasn't anyone else around and as she went to sit outside on the fire escape that's when it really hit her while her eyes scanned over the piece of paper still in her hand. Before she knew it she was screaming, screaming so loudly that she got looks from people down on the street and that was it, that was the beginning of her breaking down as she tried to accept the fact that she had cancer. Sitting there she cried and cried, her eyes rimmed red and sore as the tears took over and eventually gave way to gut wrenching sobs. She needed Finn, needed Noah, she needed just one of them to be there holding her and reassuring her that everything was going to be alright.

The word kept replaying in her mind over and over again.

Cancer.

**Cancer.**

_Cancer._

Rachel Berry had cancer, how was she ever meant to accept or deal with such a thing? Could she fight it? Would she lose her hair? Would she end up stuck in hospital for extended periods of time? Would anyone truly be there for her the entire time and not just there because they felt pity towards her? They were all questions that the shivering brunette simply didn't have answers to.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Mentions of cancer and character death. This story is set in Season Five of Glee eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her own outside of her grief._

**Chapter Three – The Battle Begins**

Rachel hadn't been able to get in contact with Puck ever since her diagnosis but she had ended up telling Kurt in a moment of weakness she broke down in front of him and spilled the beans on the secret she had so desperately wanted to keep to herself. Now that he knew it felt as though there was a small weight lifted off of her shoulders but there was a part of her, a small one, that wanted it all to be over. She wanted to be with Finn again, curled up in his arms in bed and feeling safe. But that wasn't going to happen and she knew that Kurt wasn't about to let her give up the fight so easily.

By the time Wednesday had rolled away she was a nervous wreck, her first round of appointments was coming up and she was heading to a fertility clinic. She knew that there was a risk that she wouldn't be able to fall pregnant after her treatments but she hoped more than anything that she would be fine and that she wouldn't need any help conceiving a child. She had never felt so awkward in her life before as she walked into the clinic and sat there alone, she had refused to let Kurt accompany he. Instead her fathers had gone to wait in the waiting room with her, knowing that their daughter needed them now more than ever.

Once her name was called she walked in and within minutes they had a drip in her hand and she was slowly falling asleep. She wasn't completely asleep but she couldn't feel a thing. By the time it was over and they were happy to let her go she was greeted by her fathers who took her out to the car and drove towards the hospital. The next part of her day would consist of going through her first round of chemotherapy and being admitted overnight for observation after it all.

Reaching the hospital she checked in and was admitted within the hour. Everything else seemed to pass in a blur, she was asked question after question, checked over by her oncologist and had some blood drawn before she was changing into her pajama's and a nurse was inserting an intravenous line into her arm so they could administer the medication. The entire time LeRoy and Hiram were by her side, taking turns holding her hand and reminding her that it would be okay. After two hours her phone went off and she saw Puck's face appear on the screen.

"Noah, you finally called." She mumbled tiredly. Hearing his voice was the one thing that made her happy after all of the time that she had spent worrying about the uncertainty of her future. _"Hey Rach, you didn't sound so good in your voicemail. What's up?"_ He asked as Rachel bit her lip and wondered if she should just tell him. Before she could answer a wave of nausea hit her, she paled and immediately grabbed the bucket beside her throwing up into it after dropping her phone on the bed. While she was occupied with the intensity of her stomach churning Hiram filled Puck in on what was going on and ended up leaving the room as he tried to comfort the man on the other end. _"There isn't really anything I can promise, Noah. She's incredibly sick but she's strong and stubborn. I've spoken with Shelby and she's been tested so if she needs any kind of blood products or a bone marrow transplant she's got a willing donor. Yes, I know it's unfair but she can handle this. If you want to see her I'll send LeRoy to come and pick you up."_ He said before they continued on speaking about everything and Hiram filled Puck in on everything they were doing to cure his daughter. It was then that he realized that Rachel may be lucky enough to have at least a great friend in the once misbehaved and misunderstood teenager he knew.

Back in the room Rachel was trying her hardest not to cry but was failing miserably. She hadn't expected to feel like this so quickly and as she laid there with tears in her eyes and it was then that the harsh reality hit her and she finally gave in and cried into her fathers shoulder after he had climbed up into the bed with her and held his daughter to his chest. "What else can happen? I lost Finn and now this, how am I meant to beat this?" She asked while LeRoy just rubbed her back and reassured her that she was strong and that she could get through this. He kept saying that he loved her and that things would work out and that she now had a guardian angel watching over her. Hearing that she cried a little harder because she knew it was the truth. Finn was watching over her and making sure that she would be alright in the long run.


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: Mentions of cancer and character death. This story is set in Season Five of Glee eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her own outside of her grief._

_I also just wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful reviews and everyone who has read the story so far. It really means a lot to me and I am glad that there are people enjoying it and waiting to see what happens._

**Chapter Four – A Little Comfort**

The night had been a long and grueling one for Rachel, the nausea medication hadn't worked and she was throwing up at least once every hour. Her entire body was aching from her head down to her toes, into the deepest parts of her bones and she was barely able to get comfortable. The bed felt as though it was made of rocks and she hadn't slept more than an hour throughout the entirety of the night. Naturally she was disappointed that she hadn't been able to speak to Puck but she didn't need him hearing her being so sick. Of course she was well aware that her fathers had probably filled him in on everything but she what she didn't know was that she would end up getting a special visitor that morning. Her hospital stay was set to be two days long and she was just under twenty-four hours into it so far.

That morning she had been offered something to eat and promptly refused, she had nothing left in her system to throw up yet she had been sick four times since the sun had risen. But when she was offered an extra blanket for her shivering body and some pain medication she happily accepted both and let herself give in to the relief she was given from the pain. She had tried taking paracetamol but it hadn't worked, informing her nurse, nurse Sally, she was given a dose of morphine which worked within ten minutes and she was left laying there watching the tv and daydreaming.

By the time ten o'clock had arrived and visiting hours had started there was a knock at her door but no answer from the other side. Rachel was fast asleep and breaking out in a cold sweat. When there was no answer Puck walked into the room and was almost brought to tears when he saw the state Rachel was in, Carefully sitting down on the edge of her bed he grabbed the hand towel and got up to dampen it. Carefully dabbing at her forehead he sighed and wondered why someone so beautiful and talented had to go through something so harsh especially after losing the man she was once engaged to and had her future planned out with. When he noticed her stirring he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. _"Hi my Jewish American Princess."_ He said while smoothing her hair back. _"How you feeling?"_ He asked.

Blinking against the light she couldn't quite make out who it was that was touching her forehead in the most tender way she had ever experienced or who it was speaking until she finally woke up a little more. "Noah." She murmured, her exhaustion was evident in her voice but she wanted to make the most of his visit, knowing that it wouldn't be too long. "I feel awful." She admitted, opting for honesty over anything else in that moment. "I'm so sorry." She whimpered as tears finally fell from her eyes and she broke down in front of him for the second time throughout their entire friendship. _"Rach.. come on.. it's okay, you're gonna be okay."_ He said as he laid down beside her and pulled her to his chest, gently rubbing her back. Rachel cried into his chest, she hated being sick and hated showing her weakness but she trusted Puck and knew that he wouldn't do anything to hurt her, especially now. "I'm really glad you're here." She said softly as he kissed her forehead again and held her close to his body. _"I'm not going anywhere for as long as possible. Finn wouldn't want you going through this alone and I don't want you to either. So whatever it takes, however hard it gets, I'll stand by you and you can call me whenever you need to. I know you're scared and I am too but you can beat this."_ Naturally Noah Puckerman wasn't a man of many words but in this situation with everything that they had been through he seemed to have it in him to ramble.

After that they fell silent and Rachel continued on crying softly into his chest and letting Puck comfort her. As he continued on rubbing her back she slowly calmed down and closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep in the arms of one of her dearest friends who truly was making her feel safe. She had to trust Puck and trust herself that she could get better and get on with her life. Noticing that she was asleep Puck smiled softly and kissed her forehead again before letting himself begin to drift off to sleep alongside her, refusing to leave her when she was so vulnerable, scared and obviously missing Finn when he would be the rock that was usually there for her in times of need.


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: Mentions of cancer and character death. This story is set in Season Five of Glee eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her own outside of her grief._

**Chapter Five - I'll Stand By You**

Noah Puckerman had been a ladies man once upon a time, he had slept around and made his own fair share of mistakes but all he needed was someone to love him. But sitting there in the hospital room with Rachel looking so small in the bed beside him was doing something to him, making him realise that there was something there for the petite brunette. He had to protect her, had to make sure that she thought this battle and won. Letting her lose simply wasn't an option and even though he was based out in New Jersey he knew that he could be there, he would promise that he was only a phone call away should she need him.

That night had been hard one for Rachel, she was having bad dreams and was up and down vomiting all night and each time she woke Puck was there rubbing her back, holding her hair, wiping the sweat from her forehead and laying with her when she asked him to. He understand that she was in pain, that her bones were aching and that she would have moments where she didn't want to be touched but it scared him. She looked so fragile even though all of this had only just started. It was only day two after treatment and he had foolishly thought that that would mean things would get better, they hadn't. They had gotten worse and the more pain she was in and the sicker she felt the more miserable she became. At one point she was mumbling something about joining Finn and being with him again which had sent a painful stabbing feeling through his chest. He had already lost his best friend but the thought of losing Rachel too was enough to bring tears to his eyes and fear to his heart. This was a lot to take on for both of them but she needed emotional support and Finn wasn't around to provide it.

Puck had joined the Air Force as a way of doing something that his best friend didn't get the chance to do and in those final moments they had together he promised to look after Rachel and make sure that she never gave up on her dreams of Broadway. For him, he was taking on a lot of work that he was never sure he could succeed in. Could he make it? Could he be the pilot he wanted while making Finn proud of him? Could he prove everyone from his past wrong? Was it even possible? They were all questions that he simply did not have the answers to, no matter how hard he tried there wasn't an answer. While it was frustrating he knew that it was best to just do his best, work hard and achieve his own dreams. He was going to make it happen and now he knew that he had to make Rachel proud too but the thing he didn't know was that he already had. The petite brunette in the hospital gown beside him was his biggest fan and his biggest supporter and he didn't even know it. She had never come straight out and said it but it was there and it was the truth. Rachel adored him and was so proud of him for not letting himself become stuck in Lima like people assumed that he would.

When he heard Rachel stirring beside him he jumped a little and went over to her, sitting on the edge of her bed he pulled her to his chest as she shook. She was shivering, her body cold and breaking out in a cold sweat. It was killing him to see her this way and know that the only thing he could do was to rub her back and hold her close in attempt to warm her up and keep her calm. She wasn't really awake but she was clinging to him with a weak grip and mumbling something about Finn leaving before begging him not to leave her. It was all sinking in, his best friend had left and she could possibly leave too but she needed someone to be there and to hold her as close as possible. In the silence that followed he made a silent vow to be there for her as long as she needed and to visit as much as possible. He was going to be her rock and hope that in his absence Kurt and Santana would be able to pick up the slack and be the support system that she needed.

Slowly he laid down on the bed with Rachel in his arms, careful not to jostle her too much and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, breathing her in and closing his eyes. The last thing he wanted was to have to say goodbye to another person who meant so much to him, to lose the girl that had faith in him even when he was at his worst. He had done questionable things in the past but the past was the past and he was trying to be proud of who he was becoming now and be proud of the direction that his life was heading in. Only now the direction was switching once more and he was beginning to wonder if there was a way that he could be involved in Rachel's life without allowing past feelings to come back to the surface, feelings that he had spent so long pushing away for Finn to have the girl of his dreams and for Rachel to have the guy of hers. They were the perfect couple and Puck had never once tried to deny them of their union. He had been a loyal friend from the moment he realised that they would more than likely end up together and had always supported them in the only ways that he knew possible. Now things were changing, he wasn't thinking of a relationship though, he couldn't. Rachel was sick with an illness that could very well take her life and he was in the Air Force working hard to make something of himself.

As Rachel slept he laid there with her and began humming _Need You Now_to her in hopes of helping her relax. The song worked it's magic, her body went even more limp in his arms and let out a content sigh as she fell into an even deeper sleep. Noticing just how deeply asleep he was he smiled softly and ended up falling asleep with her wrapped up in his arms where she felt safe and warm. His sleep was dreamless, void of anything other than the warmth of the girl in his arms and the way it felt to feel useful again.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: Mentions of character death and cancer. This story is set eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her outside of her grief. Also, I am extremely sorry about the lack of updates however this chapter will be followed by another in the coming days. Thank you for stick with this story and with me and these characters – Jess._

**Chapter Six – Midnight Hallucinations**

It had been a week, a week of struggling and a week of fighting for Rachel. She was struggling to do anything, getting out of bed was the hardest task of her day and she was trying so hard to act normal and be normal yet it just wasn't happening. She had gone to one class only to be sent home half way through it because she was on the verge of passing out and really just needed to be home in bed. It was frustrating at the best of times but she knew that her health and well being trumped going to classes any day. Her fathers had taken action and deferred her course for a year until she was hopefully in remission because they weren't about to let her fail her classes purely because she was sick. Luckily for Rachel they had agreed and she was going to be able to focus on the most important things for the time being.

Throughout the duration of her treatment her mind had wandered back to Finn continuously. In her darkest hours in the middle of the night when she was completely alone he would appear, he would tell her to continue fighting and his figure would sit on the end of her bed looking back at her telling her that she was strong and that he was there helping her along. Rachel was hallucinating from all of the drugs she had been given and the fever that had spiked up during the night but in those dark moments he was there. Her Finn was there and looking after her and he wasn't leaving her. Scooting over in her bed she watched as he moved and wrapped his arms around her. "I've missed you so much, Finn. You have no idea how hard life is without you here. It's so so hard. Everyone thinks I'm okay but I'm not and now this, I'm not sure I can fight it without you. I'm scared of dying but at the same time I know that if I did, I would be with you again. We could get our happily ever after, just in another place." She said. _"You can't die, Rach. I can't let you. I love you too much, you're the love of my life and I refuse to let you lose this fight."_ He said back to her. Little did she know that Puck had walked in, he hadn't left her side and in reality it was him that was there holding her but he let her talk to Finn. It was a one sided conversation on his end but he knew that talking to Finn could possibly help Rachel and he wasn't going to shatter that moment for her. "It hurts so much but I..I.. I promise I'll fight. Noah.. Noah needs.. needs me to fight.. I think." She mumbled before finally falling asleep clinging to the warm body holding her.

Later that morning Rachel woke up to a room filled with bright colors and photos strung up on a string across her window. It was Puck's doing, he had gotten to work wanting to brighten up her room as much as possible and evoke happy memories within her. With a yawn she rubbed her eyes and squinted against the light shining into the room. When she finally came out of her tired state she looked around the room and a smile soon lit up her features. "This is amazing." She whispered to no one in particular. When Puck cleared his throat he smiled down at her and went to sit beside her. _"I figured you deserved some kick ass memories in here. Like the time we won Nationals and all that other stuff." _He said while wrapping his arm around her shoulders and rubbing her arm gently to generate some warmth into her chilled body. "Thank you, Noah. It's.. it's perfect. I miss him, even if I did dream of him last night.. It's just so weird, he's not here but in some way he is." She knew that she probably sounded a little crazy but she loved Finn and not having him there was so hard for her. "But you were here.. you held me last night didn't you?" She asked. Puck didn't say anything he just kissed her temple, it was the only answer that she needed in that moment. "He would be proud of you. And I know that he would appreciate you being here for me and being the support that you have been for me." Perhaps she had spoken those words before, perhaps she hadn't and maybe she didn't say them enough. There was so many words but none seemed to formulate into coherent sentences that could describe just how special Puck was to her or how amazing it was to have him in her corner when everything seemed so desperately hopeless. Taking care of someone with cancer, loving and supporting them was no easy feat but Noah Puckerman stepped in and he did just that. He had loved Rachel from afar for so long that now it just felt natural to look after her when she was in her most vulnerable state. He was there and she was fighting as hard as she possibly could.

Getting up from the bed she walked over to the window examining each and every photo slowly. "Do you think it's possible to love two people at the same time?" She asked. "Hypothetically speaking that is." She added, her hands were slightly shaky as they ghosted over the photo of Rachel with both Puck and Finn either side of her. They had been there for her through so much and now this was just another that both of them were going through alongside her. _"I think it's possible but it's also complicated. Like do you love one more or less? Or is it equal or different? It's kind of confusing."_ He admitted while Rachel nodded and moved onto the next photo. "That's the funny thing, you can't compare loves and I don't think any two are the same. They all have different little aspects and quirks and you can't compare one to the other. It would be like trying to compare snowflakes in the midst of a winter storm, impossible. And some people.. they're just.. destined for more than one great love. Others.. they aren't so lucky but that doesn't mean that it won't ever happen for them." She was rambling but her mind had been on love a lot recently and she needed to get it all off of her chest. Puck was the only person who really seemed to understand her and understand that she needed to speak of the things that were on her mind. It helped her to make sense of everything and in a way it was helping him to get a better insight into the mind of the girl who was always so complex and rather closed off especially if she was scared or hurting in some way.

Eventually she sat down again, the silence that had overcome them was one of thoughtfulness and deep thinking as they processed everything that had been said. And for Rachel it was a necessity to sit down and try to relax before she fell down. "I hate this." She mumbled. As she laid down on her side Puck noticed the darkest bruises dotted along her spine and his breath hitched in his throat. _"I hate it too, just rest though, Rach. I'll be here."_ He reassured her. Pulling her into his arms he pressed a kiss to the top of his head and breathed in her scent for a few moments. "Don't you have to go back to base?" She asked, she didn't want him to leave but she also knew that she couldn't keep him with her all the time either. He had training to attend and she had to deal with the fact that she would be alone for a lot of it. While she would miss him she understood that she couldn't make him stop things just for her. "Make me proud. Live for me." She mumbled as she slipped back into a restless sleep filled with pain filled groans.


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: Mentions of character death and cancer. This story is set eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her outside of her grief. Also, I am extremely sorry about the lack of updates however this chapter will be followed by another. Once again, thank you all for the lovely comments and thank you for sticking with me through this. – Jess._

**Chapter Seven - Constant Struggles **

One month, one month of treatment and constant nausea was all it took for the first of Rachel's long brown locks to begin falling out. At first it was just the usual that came out when one washes their hair but then it grew, it became more and more. She was finding strands on her pillow and it began falling out easily in her hands. Rachel didn't tell Puck, she didn't call him over it sobbing like she wanted to. She hadn't even told Kurt or Santana, instead she had stared at the now bald patch on the right side of her head like it was some unfamiliar growth staring back at her in the mirror. It was there, it was real and it was heartbreaking. Sure it was just hair but for Rachel it was a part of her identity, a part of who she was and it held reminders of her life. Reminders of Finn running his fingers through it as she fell asleep in his arms and reminders of Puck kissing the top of her head to get her to relax. Losing it was yet another reminder that Rachel Berry the determined, loud, strong, ambitious girl was sick, she was weak and felt as though she was falling apart. This was another struggle in her battle against the demons trying to eat her alive.

It took her ten minutes, ten minutes to snap her eyes away from the still steam filled mirror before her and the bald patch on her head. Looking around the bathroom in the empty loft she picked up her towel again and dried off before going and getting dressed in comfortable clothing for the remainder of the evening. Her eyes kept glancing back to her reflection and her fingertips continued ghosting over the patch that felt so strange to her. She had known that losing her hair was a possibility but she hadn't expected it to happen so soon or to be as shocking and painful as it was. The moment she was dressed and had her hair dry once more her vision was back in the mirror and back on the ghost of the girl that she had once been. It was then that the anger began to seep in and take control of everything in her body. It was like something had sparked within her and like she was about to burst but not quite at the same time. She was struggling to hold it in as she walked through the loft and out to the fire escape.

Exiting the building she looked out over the area and down the street only to spy people walking along happily blissfully unaware that up above them there was a shattered girl. And then it happened, she screamed, she cried and she hit the metal railing so hard that she felt the pain rippling through her hand and up through her arm. The explosion happened, the emotions ran wild and everything became a blur, she was running on pure adrenaline and nothing more. Onlookers down on the ground looked up to see her falling to the cool metal with tears streaming like a fast flowing river down her flushed and pale cheeks. Everything hurt, breathing hurt and her chest was twisting painfully. She wasn't sure what to do anymore and she wasn't sure how to make the pain stop but it was there and taking complete control of her tired body.

Kurt had been down in the street when the break down first started and raced up the stairs, through the heavy doors that took him inside and ran across the room to the fire escape. "Rachel.. shh.. Come on. Let's get you inside." He said while lifting her up and taking her inside. "I'm going to take you to the hospital to get your hand checked out and then we'll come home, watch Funny Girl and eat ice cream." He whispered while gently rubbing her back to settle the sobs escaping his best friend. Eventually her sobs subsided and turned to hiccups and sniffles and Rachel buried her head against Kurt's chest. "My hair is falling out." She stated simply, unable to focus on her hand or anything else. "We'll figure something out, Rach. Santana and I will shave our heads to match yours and we'll take goofy photos to make you feel better and look back on when we're in some Broadway Stars nursing home racing in our wheelchairs and wanting to see our younger selves again." Rachel was shocked but at the same time she knew that Kurt and Santana were her friends, her best friends even and they were going to make sure that she got through this. Together she hoped that she could be strong, that she could handle losing her hair and being done with that phase of her life for a while. Santana had pointed out a week before that having no hair meant saving on hair care products for a while and not having any 'my hair is better than yours' competitions or awful bed head for a while. "I love you." She finally whispered and kissed Kurt's cheek before they both got up. Kurt wrapped her bruised hand up and the pair headed down to the street.

Up at the hospital Rachel was taken back to be examined and had an x-ray where they learnt that she had indeed broken her hand. With a deep sigh she watched as they put it in a cast that just so happened to be purple and was given something for the pain. When all was said and done she walked back out to Kurt and shrugged a little when his eyes widened at the sight of her hand in a cast. "It's broken because I'm an idiot and can't do anything right." She was angry at herself and at the world, deep down she knew she wasn't the first person to get cancer or to break a bone but she was struggling to accept that she could very well be living out her last few months.

By the time they got home Santana was there and was waiting with movies and ice cream and a blanket on the couch. Rachel's eyes began tearing up when she saw the girl who was once an enemy of sorts. "San." She whispered and crawled onto the couch cuddling into her side immediately. She would tell Puck later but the night was for the three housemates that needed the chance to bond and get over the shock and pain of the day. With the opening title of Funny Girl started the tired brunette rested her head on Santana's shoulder while Kurt pulled her feet up and rested them in his lap. As much as Santana hated watching musicals she was doing it for Rachel and Rachel appreciated it more than she knew. They all sang along to the songs and somewhere along the way Rachel fell asleep with silent tears falling down her cheeks. She was missing Finn, missing Puck and missing feeling healthy and full of life. She was missing everything and was becoming a shell of herself and everyone around her was well aware of it.

Noticing that Rachel had fallen asleep Santana and Kurt took her to bed and ended up laying with her knowing that she just needed the company right now. In her sleep she was whimpering and mumbling things about hair and things not being fair. Life wasn't fair but she was getting there and that was about all she could do. "We've got you, just relax." Santana whispered. Rachel sighed in her sleep and nestled in against her some more before finally falling into a deep sleep that was allowing her the proper rest that she needed. Kurt and Santana shared a look, a knowing look at that. The next day the three of them would shave their heads and take that leap together and they were hoping that Rachel would help with one of them. To Kurt it was a therapeutic experiment and he hoped that her shaving one of their heads would be some kind of therapy for her. The only way they would find out would be when they all woke up and had the chance to talk it all through even though their minds were already made up and there was no going back now.

In her dreams Rachel was met by both Finn and Puck, the two people who her heart belonged to. For a moment she could have sworn that it was real, that Finn was alive and there and loving her but then how could she be with Puck if Finn was there too? She knew it simply couldn't be real but she stayed in the realm of dreaming for as long as possible. It wasn't until she heard a car horn beeping or the light from the sun came beaming into her room that she finally began to wake up. She was sandwiched between Kurt and Santana but carefully pried their arms off of her so she could get up and get ready for the day. It was a new day and even though the pain from the previous day was still there she was just glad to have gotten her anger out and that it wasn't sitting there stewing beneath the surface like it threatened to. Finally coming out of the bathroom Kurt and Santana were waiting for her with an electric razor in their hands and mischievous smirks on their faces. _"Kurt's going first, then he'll be doing you and maybe you can shave my hair too?"_ Santana said. Rachel's eyes widened but a smile still formed on her lips. "You two are insane but let's do this." She said while Kurt pulled a stool up and sat it in front of the mirror. Santana set to work shaving off Kurt's hair and Rachel watched on feeling incredibly thankful that her friends were doing this for her.

Twenty minutes later it was her turn and she was sitting there with her eyes clenched shut as Kurt shaved off her hair and the long brown locks fell to the ground. A sob escaped her when he finished but she felt two reassuring hands on her shoulder and was encouraged to open her eyes. "Wow." She whispered while staring at her reflection. She had tried to imagine it but it had seemed like an impossible thing to possibly imagine but now as she looked at her reflection she felt her heart shattering all over again but did her best to hold it all together again. Next it was Santana's turn and Rachel looked between her and Kurt before lifting her broken hand up and laughing. "Kurt's going to have to do it because I'll botch it up and I really don't want Snix coming out and killing me for it." She teased but sat up on the vanity looking at Santana and making sure that she really was willing to do this. When they all got the go ahead Kurt began getting to work and Rachel held onto Santana's hand to stop herself from crying. It was bad enough losing her own hair but making two of her closest friends end up the same as her was hurting her too. While it was out of love she still felt guilty over it and hoped that neither of them would regret it in the coming days and weeks. When it was all said and done Santana looked at her reflection and began laughing. "I just wanted to thank you both for doing this and being so amazing to me. I know I can be a pain and I know that all of this is scary and that not having hair kind of makes of makes you feel naked and exposed but I love you both and I really do appreciate it. Thank you both for this." She said while indicating to both of their heads. "We um.. we need to go scarf shopping so our heads don't freeze." She said softly. Both of them nodded and got up, going off to get dressed after cleaning up the hair on the ground and disposing of it. _"We love you too, Rachel."_ Kurt said and kissed her cheek before walking out to get changed and do a quick search of where they could go and buy some scarves from.


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's Note: Mentions of character death and cancer. This story is set eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her outside of her grief. Also, I am extremely sorry about the lack of updates however this chapter will be followed by another. Once again, thank you all for the lovely comments and thank you for sticking with me through this. – Jess._

**Chapter Eight – A Bleeding Heart**

Rachel had been fighting her cancer for a few months now, there was ups and downs and good days followed by bad days. It happened in a rather predictable sequence by now, she knew that with her good days there would be bad days following closely behind. There was days that she could barely remember, ones that she didn't want to remember and the good days that she held onto in a vice like grip. The good days were often filled with a call from Puck or even a visit when he was able to. It was hard doing the whole long distance thing but it worked for them for the time being and Rachel promised herself that no matter what she would be supportive of Puck's dreams and ambitions. He wanted to do what he was doing and he had her full support, just as she had his support in the fight of her life. Each night before she fell asleep for the night she would pray, pray for her fathers, her friends, for Finn and for Puck before finally praying for good results at her next round of testing. Never in her short life had she imagined that she would be struck down by cancer or that she would have planned her own funeral to perfection but it was her reality now. She didn't want to die, she wasn't done living and she knew without a doubt in her mind that there was so much left for her to see, do and experience.

It was a crisp New York morning that had the young girl thinking and daydreaming of a life entirely different to the one she was leading. In her nineteen years of life she had lost someone she had loved so deeply and completely, fallen into a deep, dark depression afterwards and spent so long trying to figure out how she was meant to go on when all of their future plans no longer existed but then, once more her life changed. It wasn't necessarily the cancer that brought Rachel and Puck together, rather it was their mutual like for each other and while it wasn't always easy and Puck had spent a little while wondering if she compared him to Finn the pair had overcome it and come to realisation that Finn wouldn't have wanted her with anyone else. She was happy with Puck, he treated her like a Queen and helped to make everything bearable when she wasn't sure she could go on. Yet there was a lot more lingering overhead these days, the longer the treatment went on, the weaker she got and the not so great results she had gotten at her last round of tests had left her shattered and deflated, however she couldn't give up. She had too many people relying on her to just lay back and let her disease become her and take her away from the world.

That day was another special day for Rachel, a day that came with a surprise she hadn't expected at all. That surprise was none other than Noah Puckerman arriving on her New York doorstep with flowers in hand and loving arms open and waiting for her. No one else was home at the time but they had all been in on it and knew exactly what was happening, they had planned it all behind her back and in that moment she was incredibly thankful. Without a seconds worth of hesitation she flung herself into Puck's awaiting arms and hugged him with everything that she had within her. He was her reason for breathing, he pushed her to fight, gave her yet another reason to fight but showing up on her doorstep had truly been the most amazing surprise she hadn't known that she had been waiting for. "I'm so glad that you're here." She whispered against the skin of his neck while hiding her face against the crook of his neck. In a short space of time Puck had won over her heart and her soul, something that she thought to be impossible for her after losing Finn but once again she was proven wrong. Instead of being alone for the rest of her life, miserable and unhappy, she was in love and proving to herself and the world that things can and will change.

"_I couldn't stay away, I know we haven't been together much but you need me and I couldn't argue with that." Puck sounded so unlike himself at times when he was with Rachel, he wasn't sure what it was about her that changed him but it had. She had been a positive thing in his life and had injected a new kind of light back into it even with the lingering fear that he may lose her too. Losing his best friend had been the worst thing he had ever experienced right alongside losing Beth and not getting the chance to truly be her dad the way he had wanted to be. He wasn't able to comprehend the kind of damage that losing someone else he loved would do to him, Rachel was his girl, his Jewish American Princess and despite the fact that he didn't usually think too far into the future he knew that he wanted his future to be with her. She was the one person who understood what it was like to lose Finn on the scale that they both had, she loved him no matter what he did and she had always seen through the tough guy exterior. She had chipped away at it to reach the part that wasn't just Puck rather the part that was Noah, the gentle and loving guy who wanted a better life for himself and who was finally working on that goal. "I love you, Rach." He whispered into the top of her hairless head and held as though his entire life depended on it. Life was short and he knew that better than anyone now and each embrace they shared could be the final embrace that they may have. Feeling the warmth of her body against his own, her skin beneath his fingertips, her subtle breath against his neck and the way her lips caressed his skin with the light kisses she was dropping to his neck, all of it was the essence of Rachel and he wanted to soak up every last bit of it in case it was the last time he could. He loved her, more than he had loved another person outside of his daughter, he wanted to share his life with her and make a life for them together wherever that may be. _

"I love you too, Noah." Rachel whispered against the shell of his ear. There was this invisible tether tying Rachel and Puck together, she could feel it whenever they were together and even when they were apart, there was always something pulling her towards him and with each month of their relationship that passed she became more and more certain that he was it. He was her second great love and somehow she had been lucky enough to be able to love two people, a set of best friends, with an intensity that she had only ever read of in books beforehand. Her love was different for them both, it varied in its own unique way and she was forever grateful for the opportunity to fall in love once more and experience what it was like to walk through life hand in hand with another person. She could imagine her future with Puck, a wedding in Central Park in the fall with brightly coloured leaves falling to the ground, surrounded by people they loved and who loved them in return. "Can we go to Central Park?" She asked, she hadn't left the apartment in a few days and Puck knew her enough to know that it would drive her crazy if she didn't get out of there soon. Without hesitation he dropped his bags off at her room, grabbed her shoes and coat and helped her into them. _"Let's go, babe."_ He said as he laced his hand with hers and kissed the side of her head.

Hand in hand the pair left the Bushwick apartment and caught a cab into the heart of the city, the entire way Rachel had her head resting on Puck's shoulder watching the world pass by. Maybe going out into a crowded city full of people wasn't a great idea but she had been feeling better recently and she was hoping that a little fresh air would help her feel far better than what she had been. When they finally reached Central Park, Rachel paid the cab driver and the pair exited the cab immediately linking hands once more. "One day I'd like to get married out here." She whispered while they headed into the park and she soaked up everything that was surrounding them. There was people jogging, running, walking, riding bicycles, cuddling the grass, kissing beneath trees, there was children running around, feeding the ducks, rolling in the grass, throwing balls around and generally enjoying life. Seeing it all had this flicker of hope run through Rachel and all she could do was hold Puck's hand a little tighter, kiss his cheek and continue their way down the path. It still amazed Rachel that in the middle of the hustle and bustle of a major city there was this large expanse of calm and tranquillity, Central Park was a little slice of heaven for Rachel, it had always brought her a sense of peace and gave her mind some clarity when it was all fogged up and the images became distorted.

Rachel and Puck had been dating for close to six months now and he had never felt happier than what he had with Rachel. No one compared to her and he was hopelessly in love with the girl he had once teased when they were in high school together. All had been forgiven and forgotten though, she couldn't hold a grudge against Puck for the things that were now in the past. The past was just that, the past and she knew from The Lion King that you could either run from it or learn from it. Puck stopped them under one particular tree and turned to face Rachel, holding both of her hands in his own and smiling a smile that was reserved just for her, a smile that reached his eyes and truly lit up his features. Looking into her deep brown eyes he found himself getting lost in the depths of them, to him she wasn't a sick person or someone who could potentially die from the disease within her body, she was just his Rachel, the girl who made him into a man he actually liked. Someone who smiled freely and embraced the new adventures in life and he wanted to be a permanent fixture in Rachel's life, however long or short that may be. He wanted their lives to be amazing, to be filled with love, laughter, happiness in times of great sadness and lived to the absolute maximum. That was what prompted him to kneel down on one knee, pulling the Tiffany's box out of his pocket and clear his throat. _"Rachel Barbra Berry, I've loved you for a long time now and I know more than anything that you're the one for me. Will you do me the honour of marrying me?"_ He asked as he revealed the diamond ring that wasn't over the top and screamed Rachel to him. With tears welling in eyes Rachel looked down at Puck and glanced between him and the ring before her tears finally fell from her eyes. "Yes, a hundred times yes." She said and before she could get another word out Puck was up on his feet, sliding the ring on her finger and wrapping his arms around her, picking her up off of her feet and kissing her with everything he had.

Noah Puckerman hadn't asked Rachel Berry to marry him out pity, he asked her to marry him out of love and the genuine want and need to spend the rest of his life loving her to the deepest possible extent that he could. Accepting his proposal had been so easy for Rachel, she knew that Puck was the man of her dreams, the love of her life and the man she was meant to spend the rest of her days loving and creating a life with. "I love you so much, Noah." She whispered against his lips when the kiss finally broke and she was back on her feet once more. _"I love you too, Rach."_ He whispered back and kept her close to him. She was afraid of letting him go, parting ways only for her to not be able to see him again because the reality was always there, she could die and leave him and that was the last thing that she wanted to happen. They didn't break out of the spell, instead they sank to the ground beneath the tree they were under and curled up together, holding one another in the sweetest of embraces. Throughout all the chemo, all of the tests and all of the bad days he was her constant, whether he was physically there or not didn't matter, he was always there in spirit and always messaging, calling, sending pictures and visiting whenever he possibly could. What they had was special and strong and unique and it was only going to grow stronger as their years together passed.

"_We'll have your dream wedding right in this park, in your dream dress with everyone we love right there with us. Maybe I can convince Shelby to bring Beth along and she can be our flower girl or some shit."_ He said which made Rachel laugh softly. "I hope so and having Beth there would make it even more special than what it is already going to be." She murmured, already imagining what their wedding would be like and getting to walk down the aisle towards Puck with her dads on either side of her. _"We'll even get you a wig made in case your hair hasn't grown back by then."_ Puck said as his fingertips ran along her back and traced a trail down her spine. _"I know we're young and I know it's a little fast but I want you and fuck it if I'm going to wait."_ He said firmly which had a blush rising on Rachel's cheeks.

The most important thing in Rachel's life right now was focusing on the good things in her life and forgetting about cancer for as long as she possibly could. She hated thinking about the possibilities of what might happen to her and instead she got to focus on Puck and the fact that he was holding her, touching her, kissing her and giving her the most exciting thing to look forward to. For a fleeting moment she wasn't sick, she was just a girl hopelessly in love with a guy who truly wanted to make her his wife and that in itself was such an incredible thing. "Mrs Rachel Puckerman." She said out loud with the biggest, cheesiest smile forming on her features. _"Damn right."_ Puck said and nudged her gently. If he had it his way he would have made love to her then and there but he knew that they were in a public place and Rachel probably wasn't up to it right now. For the time being they settled for cuddling beneath the tree, watching the world pass them by and exchanging words of love and adoration for one another. It may have been cheesy but it was perfect and there wasn't another moment that could compare to the one they were in. Rachel closed her eyes once more and rested her head over Puck's chest listening to his heart beat and holding onto him as though her entire life depended on it. He was her saving grace, he had been brought to her with perfect timing and had been the light that she needed in her life to help push her through the hard times and make the bad times even better.


	9. Chapter 9

_Author's Note: Mentions of character death and cancer. This story is set eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her outside of her grief. Also, I am extremely sorry about the lack of updates however this chapter will be followed by another. Once again, thank you all for the lovely comments and thank you for sticking with me through this. – Jess._

**Chapter Nine – Strength In Love**

Celebration and elation were common feelings running through Rachel Berry and Noah Puckerman. They were celebrating their engagement to the fullest extent possible, making the most of Rachel's good days and spending time curled up in bed together on her bad days. There was already wedding planning going on which served as a welcome distraction for the petite brunette who feared that her time may be up long before she was ready for such a thing to happen. That day was one of her bad days, a day where she was tired and run down and generally feeling awful but it was also a day where she knew that she had to pull herself out of bed. It was chemo day and as much as she didn't want to go, there was no giving up. Giving up simply hadn't been an option from the very beginning. It was one of the times that Puck would be there for it and of course she was beginning to worry that it may be a touch too much for him because she knew that it was always too much for her. It was hard to handle, sitting in those chairs, watching others going through the same thing and even noticing that someone hadn't returned. Sometimes it was good news and they were in remission, other times it was the worst news possible and despite the fact that they never really knew each other well it hit her hard. It was a harsh reality that she could be next, her disease could kill her and she was well aware of that fact. What she hadn't expected was to see Puck's sweater folded up on the foot of the bed with a note telling her to put it on along with a single long stemmed red rose. Noah Puckerman wasn't always known for his romantic side but it was a side that seemed to appear whenever he was around Rachel. A side that she loved being able to witness as much as humanly possible.

Finally dragging herself out of bed Rachel got dressed, slipped on Puck's sweater and packed her usual bag with warm socks, a scarf and an extra sweater. All of the usual things that she took to chemo with her in case she got cold which seemed to be a common occurrence for her, at night she would feel the cold even more than throughout the day. Her feet would be as cold as ice, her body shivering and with Puck staying there he picked up on these things and held her even tighter, tangling his body with hers and making sure that she was as warm as possible. Naturally he struggled to accept that Rachel was sick but he loved her and he wanted to make sure that she was well looked after, promised her an amazing life and even had dreams of their future together. He wanted a family with her when she was well again and it was over the past couple of years that he had come to the realisation that life was such a short and fleeting thing. Losing Finn had irrevocably changed him and changed the man that he was destined to become. He would often think of Beth and all of the things that he missed in his eldest daughters life, at the time it had broken him to give her up but now he knew that she was happy, healthy and living the life that every little girl should get to live filled with toys and tea parties and the knowledge of just how much she was loved. In time he would sit her down and explain everything to her if Shelby gave him the opportunity but all he could really do was hope that his daughter never hated him for something that he hadn't had a say in at the time and hope that she wouldn't hate Quinn for doing what she thought was right for the baby they both loved so dearly. Just as Rachel finished getting dressed for the day Puck walked into the room fresh from the shower and kissed her cheek. "I made you some breakfast, Kurt said you should have something in your stomach." He said and ushered her out into the kitchen, getting her to sit down and passing her the fresh squeezed orange juice which Kurt had made for everyone in the apartment before he left for work that morning.

Rachel didn't eat much, she had barely touched her toast but that was just how she was these days, she wasn't ever overly hungry and seemed to have lost her love for food but that was just another side effect. It was the little things like that which people didn't seem to understand, Kurt was always trying to get her to eat more or eat different things but she simply couldn't. She couldn't force herself to eat something when she just didn't feel up to it but over time he seemed to begin to understand why, he saw the way she was and more often than not he was the one that was there throughout the night holding her as she shivered or rubbing her back while she got sick. He had taken the role of best friend seriously and stepped up even further the moment that she had told him she was sick. She didn't expect it and didn't ask for his help but he would never take no for an answer, neither would Santana. Rachel found herself in a home where she knew they had her back and would be there to help her out should she need it. Naturally it was difficult for her to accept help but she was learning to accept that she needed help and that she couldn't do everything on her own or the way that she used to do things. So much had changed in her life and as she sat there at the rustic table in their Bushwick home tears sprang to her eyes because that change had inevitably altered her life entirely, for the rest of her life she wouldn't be the person that she once was but, this wasn't the first time she had changed. She had changed constantly throughout high school and even more so when Finn passed away. No one stays the same as they were for their entire life and Rachel was wondering what she would be like once she was in remission or if she would ever get to that stage. She wasn't going to be whom she was today or tomorrow or in the day after, each day she was changing and her determination would both dwindle at times and get stronger at others, it was impossible to predict how she would feel one day or the next. So many things were out of her control that it often felt like she was spinning out of control and losing what little control she had left in her own life, however she continued to try and take it all in her stride, face the challenges head on and smile as much as physically possible.

"I can't eat much more." She whispered as Puck sat at the table directly opposite from her drinking his coffee and chancing a glance at his fiancé every now and then. "Then don't, Rach. I won't force you." He said gently before getting up, taking out their dishes and getting rid of the leftovers from her plate. Looking at the time he knew that they had to leave and had called ahead to make sure that there was a cab already waiting for them downstairs. Rachel was slightly shaky on her feet as she got up and immediately felt the warm strong arms of her fiancé engulfing her and guiding her out of the apartment. Puck was her rock, even when they were apart he was constantly talking to her as much as his time in the Air Force would allow. She missed him while they were apart but there was always at least one skype call a week and that was enough to bring her peace that she searched for within him. Looking deep into his eyes helped to soothe her and keep her calm, his voice gave her clarity and their whispered words of love would be the things she held onto the tightest at the end of the day before she fell asleep clutching her pillow as though it would hold her back and keep her safe throughout the night.

The cab ride to the hospital was relatively silent apart from the odd 'I love you' here and there. Puck sat there holding onto Rachel and running his fingers down her arm in the same pattern that he had the night before when she hadn't been able to sleep well. Half way there Rachel was sound asleep with her head resting against Puck's shoulder, her features were relaxed and for the first time in the past twenty four hours she looked genuinely relaxed. He wasn't sure why but he knew that he had to do something for her, something to pick up her mood and bring back the girl that he had fallen in love with back in high school or at least the happiness which that girl had hidden deep within her. He had to do what he could to see her smile and see her excited once more. It wasn't too long since he had last seen that because she hadn't stopped smiling on the evening of their engagement but he was still determined to do everything in his power to make his girl as happy as possible. Upon their arrival at the hospital he roused Rachel from her slumber and gently lifted her up into his arms, holding her closely to his torso while walking into the hospital. They got some looks but he ignored most of them and assured one of the nurses that she was fine just tired as they headed up to the oncology ward. Walking into the room he laid her down in one of the recliners and made sure she was comfortable before draping the blanket over her which they had brought from home. After kissing her forehead he made sure to tell her doctor and nurses that she was especially tired and asked if there was anything that they could do for her. He had gone on to mention that she was having trouble sleeping and made sure that they knew just how she had been over the past few days. Glancing over at Rachel he really caught onto just how frail looking she was and how much weight she had lost. It broke his heart even though his head was telling him that this was all just part of living with and fighting cancer. He had done his reading like any good partner would and made sure that he read up on everything he possibly could so that he could help Rachel as much as possible. One of the older nurses who always seemed to tend to Rachel went over to her and had a quick chat while Puck went and grabbed an extra blanket for her just in case she was needing it.

"I'm okay, really. I'm just tired, I've been doing more than what I'm used to at the moment so it's just that affecting me." Rachel said softly to the nurse who took her temperature, drew some blood and said that she would have the doctor write her a prescription for some vitamins that she hoped would help boost up her energy levels slightly. It was expected that not everything would be normal for Rachel once she got sick and it hadn't been, her energy levels had changed, her personality had mellowed out to a degree and she was constantly needing a nap or finding these little sparks of energy that she made the most of. It was hard to accept that this was just how things were going to be but she was getting there and doing everything she could to attempt to lead a normal life throughout the whole process. Of course she had to defer her education for a bit because there was no way that she could focus properly on her classes or attend her dance classes with Cassandra July but she was determined to get back there and to keep up the best that she possibly could. Her dads had attempted to convince her to come back to Lima but Rachel simply couldn't handle that, she needed to remain in New York and not let herself go back to Ohio where she knew she would lose some of her spirit, New York gave her the extra little boost that she needed to fight and she was holding onto that as tightly as possible. When she was finally hooked up to the chemo therapy drug she was on she watched as the poison slowly dripped into her body and went to work fighting off the cancer cells floating throughout her system. By that point Puck was sitting beside her until she shifted over and asked him to lay down with her. He had happily obliged and ended up pulling her on top of him, holding her protectively.

Time seemed to pass painfully slowly in that room surrounded by others going through the same thing. Rachel and Puck were the youngest that day, clutching onto one another like their entire lives depended on it and whispering words of love to one another. There was an older couple directly across from them who seemingly mirrored them and Rachel couldn't help but wonder if her and Puck would get the chance to grow old together or buy their perfect little home and build a life together or if she would be forced to leave him a long time before he was ready. Lifting her heavy head she looked up at Puck with the smallest of smiles forming on her lips. "Every time you smile at me this seems easier, I fall in love with you all over again and I can't help but wonder when the world will fall in love with you too because they should, they should love you the way that I do because you're incredible." Her whispered words hit Puck hard, right in the chest where his heart was and he tightened his hold around her. "I love you, Rach. I don't need the world to love me as long as I have you." He said softly while rubbing her back gently. Puck wasn't one to show his emotions often but when he did they were reserved for someone truly deserving of such things. Rachel was his person, the one he could talk to about anything and everything and the person who made him feel like all of his past mistakes had been what shaped him into the person that he was becoming now. She made him feel like he was worth something and worthy of the love that she gave him. It was still strange to him at times but he embraced it and tried his hardest not to push her away while she tried not to push him away either. Each day they were learning more and more about one another, it was intense and amazing and Rachel was so deeply in love with Puck that she found herself shocked that she was able to love another after everything she had been through. Puck had opened her heart up to love and the endless possibilities that came with it. Her mind wasn't on chemo or how nauseous she felt, for once it was on the man holding her and that was the perfect distraction for her.

Hours passed and Rachel had been sick a few times but she had also been given something for the nausea which seemed to help within half an hour. Naturally she was tired and not feeling great but she was more hopeful than what she had been when they arrived that morning, there was something deep within her telling her that she was going to be okay despite the odds that were stacked against her. She wanted to beat this thing, wanted to walk down the aisle to Puck on their wedding day with a head full of hair and a gown so beautiful that it took everyone's breath away the moment that they saw it. As her eyes fell shut and her breathing evened out as she laid on top of Puck with her head resting over his heart she fell into a world where she imagined their wedding day, their children and the place that they would raise their family in. Perhaps it was only in her dreams where it would be a possibility but she was happy there, content there and didn't want to leave. There was a nagging feeling even in her dreams that she wasn't well, her body felt weak and she was fighting for her life but she didn't know how to fight anymore. She wasn't even sure what it meant to fight, all she knew was that she was doing everything that she possibly could do to get better and taking everything that was thrown her way.

Two more hours later her treatment ended and she was restless as she held onto Puck as tightly as possible. "Come on Rach, you've got to wake up." He said gently while rubbing her back. A few minutes later Rachel woke up and rubbed her eyes. "Is it over?" She asked groggily only to receive a nod from Puck and a small smile from her nurse. _"It's over, Rachel. There's a prescription for some Zofran for the nausea and some vitamins to help with your energy levels. If they don't pick up in the two weeks you have off from chemo your doctor has mentioned a blood transfusion."_ Rachel nodded along slowly as she was unhooked from the now empty bag of chemo and helped to sit up. She knew that the next step would more than likely be a bone marrow transplant and all she could do was hope that if it got to that stage that it would mean she would begin to get better slowly but surely. She was tired of chemo, tired of hospitals and wanted nothing more than to get back to her life. Each time she was in for another round of chemo she was quizzed about whether or not she was depressed which she wasn't, not really, she was just a little lost and confused sometimes. Others she would question why she was being handed the life that she was and when she would get better but she wouldn't class herself as depressed. She didn't cry over her disease anymore, instead she wrote down her thoughts, feelings and emotions because it helped, it helped having a place to write everything down and be able to truly express what was going on within her life. She couldn't always talk to the people she loved the most or the people she had met at support group because sometimes saying things out loud just didn't seem entirely possible. She had opted to write thing down as a record for her life, a record herself to go back through when times got hard later in life and to be able to remind herself that this too shall pass and to hold her head up as high as she could for as long as she could.

On their way home Rachel leaned heavily against Puck's side and looked up at him with concern in her eyes. "Are you alright?" She asked when she noticed just how distant he looked as he stared out the window and held onto her like she could float away at any second now. What she didn't know was that he too faced inner turmoil that often left him wondering what he had done so wrong that everyone he loved had to be taken away from him or threatened to be taken away. He had lost Beth and Finn and the latter was far more permanent than the former but he had still lost them both in a sense and now Rachel, his Rachel, he couldn't lose her and he was well aware of the fact that she could so easily be taken from his life and he could be left with nothing at the end of the day. "I'm fine, baby. Just hate seeing you so unwell and upset." It was a lie, he wasn't alright but she didn't need to know that. She needed him to be strong and he was determined to be her rock no matter what was going on in his own head. Each day when he would wake up and they were apart he would text her and wait anxiously for her to answer simply needing to know that she was alright. But now as he held her and rubbed her arm gently and lovingly he knew that she was the strongest woman he had ever known outside of his mother and sister. He admired her for the fact that she hadn't given up yet when he figured if he was in her position he wouldn't be as strong but he also knew that when faced with adversity or a speed bump in the road that it would alter how you saw the world and alter how you faced life changing events. Rachel, in his mind was one of a kind, she wasn't the kind of person to sit back and let something change her life for her when she wanted to be on Broadway so fiercely. She was destined for the stage and Puck had made it his mission in life to ensure that she would get to be on the stage even if it was just one moment and he was the only person in the audience, he wanted it to be a reality for her and wanted to see his girl fulfilling one of her dreams.

By the time that they arrived back at the apartment Rachel was unusually quiet and Puck didn't say a word, he simply picked her up and carried her up the stairs heading straight into her bedroom where he laid her down, undressed her and got her dressed in a pair of his sweats, a shirt and his sweater. It was all far too big for her but he knew that she would be warmer and more comfortable with his clothing on. Tucking her into bed he kissed her forehead before heading into the kitchen and grabbing some water for her along with some painkillers and sitting them on the bedside table. Out in the kitchen he ran into Kurt and asked him if he could go and fill her prescriptions for him so that Puck himself could go and be with Rachel when she so clearly needed him. After a short conversation he headed back into the room only to frown when he saw Rachel crying. "Baby? What's wrong?" He asked while crawling into bed behind her and pulling him into her chest, rocking her gently and hoping that he cries would subside now that she knew he was there with her. "I don't want to leave you." She sobbed while her entire body shook with the force of her tears. Her words had taken Puck off guard and left him breathless for a moment because he himself knew without a doubt that if she left he would have lost one of the most precious things in his world and that alone would be enough to shatter him entirely. "You aren't leaving me, Rach. You can't. You just can't." He whispered, he was holding back tears of his own as he hid his face against the back of Rachel's beanie clad head listening to her cries which lead to his own tears falling.


	10. Chapter 10

_Author's Note: Mentions of character death and cancer. This story is set eight months after the death of Finn Hudson where Rachel Berry begins a struggle of her outside of her grief. Also, I am extremely sorry about the lack of updates however this chapter will be followed by another. Once again, thank you all for the lovely comments and thank you for sticking with me through this. – Jess._

**Chapter Nine – Pieces Of Us**

Perhaps it was crazy, wanting to have a baby with your dying fiancé but to Puck it was one of the biggest things he wanted with Rachel. For the past few months they had been discussing everything from marriage to children and the defeat of cancer itself. In that time she had gone through a blood transfusion, another few rounds of chemo and was doing okay as far as her results were showing. Mentally she was a wreck but she had somehow managed to make sure there was a funeral planned in case the worst happened. They had both been going through so much and trying their hardest to really get through everything. That was why Puck made the decision he had, he had gone and had his sperm collected in preparation of finding the perfect surrogate for them. Perhaps it was rushed and a little too soon but he was desperate not to lose Rachel and desperate to hold onto whatever little piece of her that he possibly could. He had been away on and off completing his training and each time he left got a little harder, each time Rachel's name showed up on caller ID his heart would race as he assumed the worst only to hear her voice tired yet still chipper on the end. She was his heart and he was holding onto her with a vice like grip and wanted to do everything possible to ensure that she was never forgotten no matter what happened.

That was why as he got out of his beat up old pickup truck and walked up to the door of her Bushwick apartment he came armed with pamphlets and folders and hoped she wouldn't freak out on him. Kurt let him in and Santana being true to herself teased him for looking like a nerd only to receive a glare as he continued on through the apartment. Reaching Rachel's room he walked in and saw her sitting in bed with his sweater on flicking through photo albums with watery eyes. He knew without a doubt that she wasn't ready to leave this world, she was meant to go on and become a Broadway star, showing the world that they were all wrong about the loud Jewish girl from Lima, Ohio. She had so much potential right there in her tiny frame that he didn't want it to go to waste and he thought that if there was ever a shred of doubt in her mind about her chances of survival that adding something/someone else to fight for would give her even more of a chance of beating this thing.

Silently sitting beside her he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his broad chest, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. "I had an idea." He whispered after they sat there quietly for a solid twenty minutes. "What is it, Noah?" She asked with those familiar curious brown eyes staring up at him with such love and admiration shining through one simple glance and in that moment Puck made a mental note to never forget the way that she looked at him. "We get a surrogate, I know I don't have much to offer you other than my heart and you have it, you have it completely but Rach I want a baby with you and I want you to have someone else to fight for other than just me and your dads. I know it sounds crazy and maybe it is but you were made to be a mom and I want nothing more than to be a dad, I know you're sick and the future is uncertain but I think this might be something that we need. Something worth trying." He explained, he was rambling which was completely unlike Noah Puckerman to ever do but for some reason he didn't seem to be able to control himself as he looked down at the woman he loved so thin and pale in his arms.

Rachel just stared at Puck for a few moments, considering his proposition and slowly beginning to realise that perhaps he was right, maybe this was a good thing and something she could fight for. "Is it really the wisest idea?" She asked worriedly and Puck just shrugged. "I'm not the smartest dude, Rach but I'd give everything to see you smile and become a mother." He admitted which only had Rachel smiling a little more. "You don't have to say yes or no right now but just think about it and know that whatever happens I'll do everything I can for you and our baby." Puck said while gently rubbing her back and holding her a little closer. The quieter the room became the more worried Puck got because Rachel Berry was _never_ quiet, she was loud, outspoken, opinionated and stubborn as anything. There wasn't a thing that stood in her way and it was killing him to see her so beaten down by cancer and even hearing her talking about a funeral was enough to break his heart. The mere thought of losing her was far too much to handle and he wasn't quite sure that he would be able to prepare himself for such a thing. Looking down he soon felt his fears ease when he saw she was only sleeping, head against his heart and her chest slowly rising and falling with the steady breaths she was taking. Cancer may have robbed Rachel of a lot but it had never once taken away her spirit or her determination. She was still the Rachel he had met back at Temple when they were kids and she was still perfect to him in every single way. Laying down with her he pulled the blankets over them both and kissed the side of her head hoping that even in her sleep she would know that he was there with her, holding her, protecting her and keeping her warm.

Puck didn't sleep that night, instead he laid there watching his fiancé sleeping and memorising every little detail about her features and the way that she seemed so peaceful in her slumber. The entire night he wondered what it would be like if there ever came a day where he couldn't fall asleep with her body nestled against his and just how perfectly she fit against the side of his body. She was everything that he needed and so much more, she had changed him to a degree and was her equal. He had somehow opened up more and become such a different person after they lost Finn. It was losing Finn that brought him to her and all she could do was hope that somewhere up there in the universe Hudson was looking over her and doing everything he could to ensure that she didn't join him. "Don't take her away from me just yet, Hudson. I need a little more time." He whispered, ignoring the burning in his eyes as the tears welled up again. He wasn't one to cry, ever, yet there he was on the verge of tears at the prospect of losing the one person who ever truly believed in him.

At some point he must have fallen asleep because the next morning as the sun streamed through the dark curtains that were parted slightly and Rachel was there, running her fingers through the hair on top of his head and dropping subtle kisses to his cheek. "Good morning sleepy head." She whispered before Puck's eyes opened and he smiled sleepily up at her. It looked as though she had been up for a while though, there was papers spread out all across her bed, lists were written in true Rachel Berry style and it seemed as though she had been doing some kind of research on her phone when he spotted that it was opened to a webpage he couldn't quite see. "Mornin' to you too." He hummed as he pushed himself up to be sitting up. "What's all this?" He asked before spotting all of the potential surrogates that were written on her list and the list filled with pro's and con's. Rachel was always one to enjoy control, to want to control as many aspects of her life as possible and this was no different. If they were going to go through with it she would be in charge and find them the perfect surrogate after doing a crazy amount of research into whoever she picked initially although he had no doubt that she was researching everything possible about all of the women she had on her rather short list. "I'm looking into a surrogate, you're right, life is short and I want us to have a baby too. But that being said I'd also like a small wedding with our families and closest friends there because I want to be your wife before we have a baby. I want to tie myself to you in every way possible and make sure the world knows that Noah Puckerman is my husband and that in the time we get together we've done everything we could to make each other happy and that we were completely, irrevocably, head over heels in love with one another." She explained and Puck took her rambling and her smile as the sign of a good day ahead for them both. She was lucid and happy and her entire being was lighting up at the mention of becoming parents.

That day in the little apartment Rachel knew as home, her and Puck decided to have a baby and to interview four potential women to carry their baby. Of course it was going to be a struggle watching someone else grow their child, carry him or her to full term and give birth to their baby but at the same time she was completely aware that conceiving and carrying a child herself may be one of the most difficult things and that it might not even be a possibility for her due to all of the chemo and the damage it could have caused her body. In that same day they also decided to get married the following Saturday in Central Park with her parents, Jake, his mother and little sister Sarah and Santana, Kurt and Blaine there. It was going to be small and intimate and absolutely perfect. Everything they both wanted and so much more. Kurt had already agreed to go and help find Rachel a dress and while they were doing that Puck called in every favour possible and got to planning a dream wedding for his dream girl following the specific instructions he had been given.

Some people would call them crazy, especially Puck but this was what he wanted and he would go to the far ends of the earth and beyond to give Rachel every little thing that she wanted and so much more. She was the most important thing to him and he was going to make sure that she didn't go so much as a few hours without being reminded of how loved she was by him and how important she was to him. Some of their Glee Club friends especially Santana would call him whipped but he wasn't the boy he had been in Lima, he was a man, a man who had lost his best friend and was now losing the love of his life. He had been through a lot of pain in many different forms and all of that had changed him. Whether it was for better or worse he was unsure a lot of the time but his relationship had changed him for the better. She loved him in a way that no one had ever loved him before, she took it to a whole other level and he wasn't sure why she loved him the way that she did but he never asked questions, he took it with a smile and a grateful heart. In their time together she had shown him a whole new world and all throughout high school she had been there, she had believed in him and she had so much left to offer that he was beginning to wonder why she was so sick and what force had allowed such an awful thing to happen to her.

Hours passed before Kurt returned with an exhausted but happy looking Rachel who slipped into bed, resting her head on his thigh and sighing out. Naturally he reached out to run his fingers over her smooth scalp and watched as she relaxed. "I have everything sorted with your dads, my mom and sister and Jake are all coming and it's going to be amazing, babe. We're going to be married by this time next Saturday and I'm going to be the luckiest idiot on the face of the earth." He was as giddy as a school girl crushing on a guy for the very first time and he didn't give a damn. There was a lot of dark clouds looming over their heads but for the time being he was allowing himself to be happy and excited over the fact that his girl was not going to remain his girlfriend but she was going to become his wife and he was going to proudly sport a wedding ring on his left hand even if it was only something cheap. He wasn't made of money but he was determined to do everything possible to give Rachel the happiest life possible for as long as he possibly could. "Mrs Rachel Puckerman, I could get used to that." Rachel whispered as her chocolate coloured eyes stared up at Puck with her smile reaching them for the millionth time that day. She had seemed so happy all day and all Puck could do was smile back at her and watch the way the light danced in her eyes and the life seemed to be beaming from her entire being. This was the Rachel he knew and loved, the one filled with passion and fire doing everything she possibly could to make the simple things in life absolutely amazing and she did. She made every little thing amazing Puck whether it was from a glance to a kiss or even sex, everything was heightened and amazing and he found himself falling deeper and deeper every single day. "I love you Rachel Berry almost Puckerman." He whispered and dropped a kiss to her forehead.


End file.
